I am a creature of habit
I toil with the mind
Blow like the winds
I break and enter at my own leisure
I go to the place where God and I RSVP
I ache like an obsession
I am love.
I grow from a Jones into a full bloom rose
I make your heart race a million fold
I creep from a single sight
I am worth the fight
I am Love.
The glimpse, the stare, the compulsion, the curiosity,
The thing you can't explain that keeps you up at night
And when you know you have me
I rock you to sleep at night
I can be that precipice if you let me. Not impending an disaster
But a reckoning master.
K. S.
Here's a question of a lifetime: I am romantic by nature. I get that from my dad's side of the family. I know the feeling, all too well, that you get when you meet someone and you're blown away with each other. And it lasts and lasts.. but circumstances get in the way, and he complicates it. I tested my own theory and revisited the past a few times and the feelings always came flooding back. Everybody has at least one they felt got away. I have three.I can admit that. But we've all moved on. My rule has always been no go backs. They are not connected to my soul but the feelings run deep. Years have past and I've not been afforded the luxury of closure. Matter of fact in all three cases it was a long embrace, we both said keep in touch, and we stare and stare and pulled ourselves from each other as if it hurt.10 years pass, 1 year passes and now 6 months have passed. 1 doesn't care to communicate, the other calls to reminisce but fails to offer any clarity, and the last answers when I call sometimes (always in the middle of something, no time to really talk). All I want to do is let go. Someone once said be careful when you get a passionate person, for their passion can go both ways. I think I am one of those people. Love comes so easily for me when the elements are right. I don't think that's wrong I think its my reality. No matter what I do. But I've read that it actually scares people. Love? Why? When I have these episodes of nostalgia why do I long for a person. And I've noticed that the person who reaps the benefits is the person that I'm attempting to have a relationship with. Someone who I know in my mind is completely undeserving. I am the epitome of a true hearted God's honest woman. Not because of tasks I am able to perform or skills I possess, or even because of my etiquette. I am genuinely the virtuous, giving, and beautiful spirit some long for. But because of weak minds reaping the information from magazines, television, and misguided friends, they never get to know what they are really looking for.
Why do people honestly believe they are reading a book before open the cover? And why do these same people have extravagant tattoos that read " ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME"?
If you really were looking for someone you'd take the time to stop and "look". I should be grateful for not getting the chance on some of these guys but it's disheartening to see so many men scared stupid to get to know a woman, in fear of wasting their time, or getting hurt. I miss the old fashioned days when all he knew was he wanted to talk to you to get to know you. Not size you up before even speaking.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
So I'm wondering do women fall for qualifications and the pre-emptive future or for the person they are dating? Every woman has a two lists:
1. Physical attributes
2. Professional potential
Is he attractive? Does he have good teeth? Is he showing signs of age? Does he take care of his body? What would our children look like?
or Does he have a job? Is he educated? What's his work ethic? How does his future look? What are his values and morals like? Is he ambitious?
But when the two don't mesh are more women apt to settle for one or the other?
He's attractive to her (maybe not everyone) and she's okay with that. He has a job and makes ends meet. He shows few signs of aging. He's not as physically active as he could be. And his future is stable with little room for growth.
Where does all of this apply to myself? I've been accused of being too picky.
If he doesn't take care of his body now for himself, (Like going to the doctor if he's sick or eating right) Why would he be inclined to do it later? If he doesn't treat himself to things he likes now, why would he choose to treat me as his significant other or wife? If he doesn't care to excel or get a better job and settles for mediocre in the now, why would he do it for the sake of actual living expenses? ie a house, children, retirement, or vacations. These are all things I do myself. So why tilt the scale?
All plausible questions. However, In my experiences I've come across my dream plenty of times. The downfall is that these men have it all figured out and seem to be control freaks. What gives?
The total opposite of the black women I come across who " Don't need a man for anything".
I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. Hence, the rollercoaster of a almost 30 SBF. I was in a relationship with a man 16 years my senior. We are both still so smitten with each other. But he felt the need to make my choices for me and not let me choose what I will and won't live with. There are no mitigating circumstances other than he didn't want to me to have to deal with his baggage. And he would talk as if i were just out of highschool, naive to the world, and inexperienced. Very irritating.
So in closing I will keep with my standards because logically it makes sense to want someone who lives along the same line as myself, and admit everyone has baggage in some form. You never know why people choose against. But you accept it and love them for who they are and not what you think they could be. I am, and I love. Ready for someone who compliments the life I have built for myself.
1. Physical attributes
2. Professional potential
Is he attractive? Does he have good teeth? Is he showing signs of age? Does he take care of his body? What would our children look like?
or Does he have a job? Is he educated? What's his work ethic? How does his future look? What are his values and morals like? Is he ambitious?
But when the two don't mesh are more women apt to settle for one or the other?
He's attractive to her (maybe not everyone) and she's okay with that. He has a job and makes ends meet. He shows few signs of aging. He's not as physically active as he could be. And his future is stable with little room for growth.
Where does all of this apply to myself? I've been accused of being too picky.
If he doesn't take care of his body now for himself, (Like going to the doctor if he's sick or eating right) Why would he be inclined to do it later? If he doesn't treat himself to things he likes now, why would he choose to treat me as his significant other or wife? If he doesn't care to excel or get a better job and settles for mediocre in the now, why would he do it for the sake of actual living expenses? ie a house, children, retirement, or vacations. These are all things I do myself. So why tilt the scale?
All plausible questions. However, In my experiences I've come across my dream plenty of times. The downfall is that these men have it all figured out and seem to be control freaks. What gives?
The total opposite of the black women I come across who " Don't need a man for anything".
I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. Hence, the rollercoaster of a almost 30 SBF. I was in a relationship with a man 16 years my senior. We are both still so smitten with each other. But he felt the need to make my choices for me and not let me choose what I will and won't live with. There are no mitigating circumstances other than he didn't want to me to have to deal with his baggage. And he would talk as if i were just out of highschool, naive to the world, and inexperienced. Very irritating.
So in closing I will keep with my standards because logically it makes sense to want someone who lives along the same line as myself, and admit everyone has baggage in some form. You never know why people choose against. But you accept it and love them for who they are and not what you think they could be. I am, and I love. Ready for someone who compliments the life I have built for myself.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Baffled
I'm completely baffled by this one. He insists that he wants me in his life and that he misses me. But he also admits, after 5 months of asking why isn't he letting his gaurd down, that he has emotional baggage. He's been hurt in the past, and now has fear of being hurt or let down. His personality type and his every day life say he's more concerned about being perfect on the job than he is anything else. He knows he can't do the thing a boyfriend is supposed to do so he can't make a committment, his conscious won't let him because he won't do a good job at it. He also freely admits that he is a workaholic, if you hear him talk about it its almost like an addict talking about drugs. He know's theres something askew with working at 1130 at night but still does it. On one note it says that he is committed to doing a good job and getting things done. But it also smells a lot like obsession. I don't know how to deal with this one because work is his other woman.
He would be ideal for me with this one exception hanging over our heads. So how do I deal? He makes time for 1 hobby that he's been loyal to since his last break up. A regular day consists of work from 9-6 or 7 hobby from 7-all hours of the night. This is on a good night to break up the monotany or because the boss tells him he's been working too much. Mind you he's on a Salary. He does this on a regular basis with an occasional dinner with the employees-ers. Then if he's not doing that he is in the office until the work is done. He let me down on a really special planned occasion because of work. He worked until 4 am to get something done so he could come. Needless to say it wasn't possible so he didn't accomplish it and an hour before he was supposed to be on the road (9am) he was still in bed and went to go back in to finish the work. I say leave this one be because he's not ready. But I also don't think he's worth missing out on. These are good qualities that are rare in black men these days. However over the top I have to settle for the dissapointment, lack of communication, and quality time. He insists that he's working on it and this relationship has to be on his terms. He doesn't want me to leave but he understands if I want to. ( As if this has been done to him before and there is nothing he can do about it.
He would be ideal for me with this one exception hanging over our heads. So how do I deal? He makes time for 1 hobby that he's been loyal to since his last break up. A regular day consists of work from 9-6 or 7 hobby from 7-all hours of the night. This is on a good night to break up the monotany or because the boss tells him he's been working too much. Mind you he's on a Salary. He does this on a regular basis with an occasional dinner with the employees-ers. Then if he's not doing that he is in the office until the work is done. He let me down on a really special planned occasion because of work. He worked until 4 am to get something done so he could come. Needless to say it wasn't possible so he didn't accomplish it and an hour before he was supposed to be on the road (9am) he was still in bed and went to go back in to finish the work. I say leave this one be because he's not ready. But I also don't think he's worth missing out on. These are good qualities that are rare in black men these days. However over the top I have to settle for the dissapointment, lack of communication, and quality time. He insists that he's working on it and this relationship has to be on his terms. He doesn't want me to leave but he understands if I want to. ( As if this has been done to him before and there is nothing he can do about it.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Mr. Excuses, Excuses
They fall head over heels for me every time. And through the getting to know them process I hear
"I've been through so much I just want to make sure it doesn't happen again"
" I have baggage and I don't want to put that on you"
" You're too good for me. I don't want to bring my baggage into your life"
" I can't be who you want me to be"
"I've been hurt"
Now at first I think "He's just not that into me". But what if the fact of the matter is that these guys really do think they have a problem.
They're all :
Crem De La Crem, smart, ambitious, very personable, mature, great communicators, and there are no red flags that say: This guy is a player and/or he's not ready for a relationship. I admit I am forward in saying how I feel at times and I'm passionate about what I want. And they're totally onboard.But isn't that what your're supposed to do? Be honest in those two aspects (how I feel and what I want), ask where they are in their lives and take it from there?
Its not that they scatter like roaches, because they don't. They just become more introspective and question if they can really be that man after a certain amount of time. Then after a while begins the insuing back and forth. They don't want to let go and they refrain from talking about a committment. They just want to go with the flow. Constantly reminding themselves and me at times that they don't think they will measure up. In the end they all confess they thought I wanted this night and shining armour that people are always talking about. This person is nowhere near what I tell them. In fact this description is a cliche. The prototype: caring, romantic, sensitive, likes walks on the beach, foot rubs, and bubble bath. I'm lmao by the time they get to sensitive. But nothing I say can change their minds. They then spend alot of time telling me what they miss about me, how they feel about me, what they like about me, and how much they want to be with me, but there is this constant limbo that I have no control over. They're insecurities get in the way. I feel like the man sometimes. I want to say snap out of it and take a risk, thats they only way you'll move forward.(And it doesn't have to be with me) Do it for you. I've been where they are. Not to belittle their feelings but why do they insist on wallowing in it? Why can they not except the challenge of being honest with themselves first and then me? Why is it so hard for them to just let me go if their not ready like they thought they were? Why do I insist on fixing some of these guys like a thereapist or just hang around in hopes that a light bulb will go off and they will realize who I am to them. Ultimately I end up cutting all communication, literally. After months of investing into a solid relationship foundation which started with awesome communication, sparks, and congruency I am left with no sense of closure and not even a lesson learned. He's chosen to cower behind his fears, and go back into wallowing in the pity and self shame of bachelorism. I am plagued by another "What If" hoping the next destination will be better thant he last.
"I've been through so much I just want to make sure it doesn't happen again"
" I have baggage and I don't want to put that on you"
" You're too good for me. I don't want to bring my baggage into your life"
" I can't be who you want me to be"
"I've been hurt"
Now at first I think "He's just not that into me". But what if the fact of the matter is that these guys really do think they have a problem.
They're all :
Crem De La Crem, smart, ambitious, very personable, mature, great communicators, and there are no red flags that say: This guy is a player and/or he's not ready for a relationship. I admit I am forward in saying how I feel at times and I'm passionate about what I want. And they're totally onboard.But isn't that what your're supposed to do? Be honest in those two aspects (how I feel and what I want), ask where they are in their lives and take it from there?
Its not that they scatter like roaches, because they don't. They just become more introspective and question if they can really be that man after a certain amount of time. Then after a while begins the insuing back and forth. They don't want to let go and they refrain from talking about a committment. They just want to go with the flow. Constantly reminding themselves and me at times that they don't think they will measure up. In the end they all confess they thought I wanted this night and shining armour that people are always talking about. This person is nowhere near what I tell them. In fact this description is a cliche. The prototype: caring, romantic, sensitive, likes walks on the beach, foot rubs, and bubble bath. I'm lmao by the time they get to sensitive. But nothing I say can change their minds. They then spend alot of time telling me what they miss about me, how they feel about me, what they like about me, and how much they want to be with me, but there is this constant limbo that I have no control over. They're insecurities get in the way. I feel like the man sometimes. I want to say snap out of it and take a risk, thats they only way you'll move forward.(And it doesn't have to be with me) Do it for you. I've been where they are. Not to belittle their feelings but why do they insist on wallowing in it? Why can they not except the challenge of being honest with themselves first and then me? Why is it so hard for them to just let me go if their not ready like they thought they were? Why do I insist on fixing some of these guys like a thereapist or just hang around in hopes that a light bulb will go off and they will realize who I am to them. Ultimately I end up cutting all communication, literally. After months of investing into a solid relationship foundation which started with awesome communication, sparks, and congruency I am left with no sense of closure and not even a lesson learned. He's chosen to cower behind his fears, and go back into wallowing in the pity and self shame of bachelorism. I am plagued by another "What If" hoping the next destination will be better thant he last.
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