Judging Love

I am a creature of habit
I toil with the mind
Blow like the winds
I break and enter at my own leisure
I go to the place where God and I RSVP
I ache like an obsession
I am love.
I grow from a Jones into a full bloom rose
I make your heart race a million fold
I creep from a single sight
I am worth the fight
I am Love.
The glimpse, the stare, the compulsion, the curiosity,
The thing you can't explain that keeps you up at night
And when you know you have me
I rock you to sleep at night
I can be that precipice if you let me. Not impending an disaster
But a reckoning master.
K. S.

Here's a question of a lifetime: I am romantic by nature. I get that from my dad's side of the family. I know the feeling, all too well, that you get when you meet someone and you're blown away with each other. And it lasts and lasts.. but circumstances get in the way, and he complicates it. I tested my own theory and revisited the past a few times and the feelings always came flooding back. Everybody has at least one they felt got away. I have three.I can admit that. But we've all moved on. My rule has always been no go backs. They are not connected to my soul but the feelings run deep. Years have past and I've not been afforded the luxury of closure. Matter of fact in all three cases it was a long embrace, we both said keep in touch, and we stare and stare and pulled ourselves from each other as if it hurt.10 years pass, 1 year passes and now 6 months have passed. 1 doesn't care to communicate, the other calls to reminisce but fails to offer any clarity, and the last answers when I call sometimes (always in the middle of something, no time to really talk). All I want to do is let go. Someone once said be careful when you get a passionate person, for their passion can go both ways. I think I am one of those people. Love comes so easily for me when the elements are right. I don't think that's wrong I think its my reality. No matter what I do. But I've read that it actually scares people. Love? Why? When I have these episodes of nostalgia why do I long for a person. And I've noticed that the person who reaps the benefits is the person that I'm attempting to have a relationship with. Someone who I know in my mind is completely undeserving. I am the epitome of a true hearted God's honest woman. Not because of tasks I am able to perform or skills I possess, or even because of my etiquette. I am genuinely the virtuous, giving, and beautiful spirit some long for. But because of weak minds reaping the information from magazines, television, and misguided friends, they never get to know what they are really looking for.
Why do people honestly believe they are reading a book before open the cover? And why do these same people have extravagant tattoos that read " ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME"?
If you really were looking for someone you'd take the time to stop and "look". I should be grateful for not getting the chance on some of these guys but it's disheartening to see so many men scared stupid to get to know a woman, in fear of wasting their time, or getting hurt. I miss the old fashioned days when all he knew was he wanted to talk to you to get to know you. Not size you up before even speaking.

So I'm wondering do women fall for qualifications and the pre-emptive future or for the person they are dating? Every woman has a two lists:
1. Physical attributes
2. Professional potential

Is he attractive? Does he have good teeth? Is he showing signs of age? Does he take care of his body? What would our children look like?

or Does he have a job? Is he educated? What's his work ethic? How does his future look? What are his values and morals like? Is he ambitious?

But when the two don't mesh are more women apt to settle for one or the other?
He's attractive to her (maybe not everyone) and she's okay with that. He has a job and makes ends meet. He shows few signs of aging. He's not as physically active as he could be. And his future is stable with little room for growth.

Where does all of this apply to myself? I've been accused of being too picky.
If he doesn't take care of his body now for himself, (Like going to the doctor if he's sick or eating right) Why would he be inclined to do it later? If he doesn't treat himself to things he likes now, why would he choose to treat me as his significant other or wife? If he doesn't care to excel or get a better job and settles for mediocre in the now, why would he do it for the sake of actual living expenses? ie a house, children, retirement, or vacations. These are all things I do myself. So why tilt the scale?
All plausible questions. However, In my experiences I've come across my dream plenty of times. The downfall is that these men have it all figured out and seem to be control freaks. What gives?
The total opposite of the black women I come across who " Don't need a man for anything".
I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. Hence, the rollercoaster of a almost 30 SBF. I was in a relationship with a man 16 years my senior. We are both still so smitten with each other. But he felt the need to make my choices for me and not let me choose what I will and won't live with. There are no mitigating circumstances other than he didn't want to me to have to deal with his baggage. And he would talk as if i were just out of highschool, naive to the world, and inexperienced. Very irritating.
So in closing I will keep with my standards because logically it makes sense to want someone who lives along the same line as myself, and admit everyone has baggage in some form. You never know why people choose against. But you accept it and love them for who they are and not what you think they could be. I am, and I love. Ready for someone who compliments the life I have built for myself.